Vershun’s Brain Dump

I just want you to be happy.  This was the right decision.

I don’t know how you’re doing.  I don’t know anything.  It’s the only thing I can give you to make this easier.

You are loved and missed.

I’m on your side; I can only hope that you are on mine.

I don’t think I’ll ever try.

I will not settle for anything less than exactly what I want.

I will constantly push myself outside of my comfort zone.  I will never get “stuck in a rut.”

When I find things I truly want to do, I will throw myself at them with everything I have.  I will be relentless.

I will wear my failures as badges alongside my successes, and regard them with the same amount of pride.

I will surround myself with people I love, people that I respect, and people that inspire.

I will travel.  I will experience the world and everything it has to offer.

I will always be aware of how short life is and how lucky I am to have it.  I will abuse it to the extreme until it is stripped away from me.

I will destroy complacency immediately.

I will smile every chance I get.

I will see the beauty in everything.

Last and most importantly, I will completely disregard the glaring fact that these are fantasies, idealisms, and dreams.

It’s that time again.

I like the idea of resolutions, I just don’t think they should have an expiration date of 1 month, (2-3 if you’re really motivated).

I suppose a little self reflection never hurt anyone (for the worse, at least).

Plus maybe I should make a few anyway. It’s supposed to be my “Golden Year” this year, being that I’m 23 and my birthday was on the 23rd (I’ve never heard of this shit until last November; it’s silly). Also 2008 is a pretty delicious number, and it won’t be for another 11 years where we’ll have a year that lacks an odd number.

I figure by actually documenting my resolutions I might be able to stick with them.

2k8 Resolutions

Most importantly: stop giving up on everything when something else comes along. This means you BMXing, skateboarding, working out, hiking, backpacking, swimming, rock climbing, ice climbing, lock picking, knife throwing, and knife flipping.

Trust more. I sincerely believe you cannot love someone without trust and respect. Show it.

Leave the country. It’s been far too long. You’re wasting away. Leave for a little, everything will be here when you get back.

Start doing your own projects again. Remember neural networks? Ant colony optimization? Genetic algorithms? Swarm intelligence? You didn’t lose interest; you got lazy when the principles got hard. Learn it.

Read more. You’re ignorant to what’s happening in the world.

Work out. Skinnyman.

Not too many this year but it should keep me busy. Hell the less you have the more likely you are to follow through eh?

I’ve been having problems focusing for a while now.

And woke up in a completely different place.

It’s strange the way time drives you so fast through the good times.  Where everything just becomes a blur while you stare out the window, grinning stupidly at the streaks of blended color.  It’s when the scenery is bleak that time decides to slam on the brakes, to let you really take it in, to make you watch the sunny area slowly fade from the back window.

It’s only been two days since I saw her last.  Jesus, two days.  A number that only makes sense to me abstractly; it feels like it has been a week.  Sleep doesn’t even offer me an escape.  I dream about us and when I wake up alone I want nothing more than to kiss her awake; to see that little smile she gets when she feels me on her cheek.

I keep questioning if it was the right thing to do; to push each other away because it won’t work in the long run.  Maybe love needs the cycle.  Maybe it’s vital for us to get sick of each other, use up all the love we have.  Maybe the only way for a friendship to grow is by having the romance completely depleted.  Or maybe I’m just upset.

Looking at it from a third party perspective I suppose it’s a good ending.  We still love each other, we’ll be friends I’m sure, and we didn’t have to go through getting miserable being with each other before we broke up.  I don’t have that many regrets.  We might have dropped into routing a bit, but I never kissed her once out of obligation and every time I told her I loved her I meant it with all my heart.  It’s bittersweet to not have to put on the rose-colored glasses to see the good in our relationship.

I want to see her happy though.  I know she’ll find someone better suited for her and she’ll be better off; hell maybe far down the road we’ll realize we’re not that different after all.  It hurts me to see her sad though.  It’s probably too soon but I want her to be happier than she was with me; isn’t that why we did this in the first place?

I apologize to anyone who reads this drab shit.  It’s just a way for me to work through stuff while letting the couple people that care know what’s going on.  Plus I guess the “brain dump” title gives me permission to write whatever is on my mind.  Awesome.

It’s been a stressful couple weeks. I hate school; I don’t know why I’m doing it anymore. It’s a perpetual tug-of-war between learning and actual application, both of which I do just for the useless rewards.

I don’t know when I stopped enjoying either.

I’m stressed out too. Devoting more and more time to things that make me unhappy while sacrificing the people and things I love. I’m envious of those that are trying to make a difference; I’d like to think someday I will, but they go by so quickly I don’t know if I’ll ever go to sleep satisfied with what I accomplished that day.

Speaking of sleep, I need more of it. My body and mind are crumbling. I haven’t ever really been mentally acute, but now my thoughts melt and fade into one another. A precise thought is an exertion.

I hate to see her hurt. I hate myself when I know I’m the one doing it.

My lungs feel tight, I need a cigarette though. This is my last pack. Promise.

This post is particularly lame; I should’ve started with “Dear Diary.” No solutions because the problems are undefined. Worthless.

I suppose you can’t free() without knowing where you malloc()d.