More random boredness.
Oct 172007
Oct 172007
The random things I think about in Spanish class.
It hurts and makes you nauseous. These are not the makings of a good sport; it’s more the symptoms of food poisoning.
In my mind, there are only two justifiable reasons to run:
Running from something awful:
Running to something awesome:
Short post but this has been a PSA.
The more you know.
Jul 282007
So, you want to have mediocre sex. Of the plethora reasons you could want to enter the world of sexual mediocrity, you’re most likely here for one of following three reasons:
- You are so gifted at sex you’re sick of your sexual partner wanting it all the time and therefore believe that by becoming worse at it you’ll be able to curb their enthusiasm.
- You aren’t so fantastic in the sack and being a run-of-the-mill lay is a step, if not a leap, in the right direction.
- You’re already mediocre at fornication and want to enforce your techniques.
Since you’re sitting there reading a web blog, and my web blog especially, I’ll go ahead and assume you’re of the #2 persuasion.
So without further adieu I bring you:
The Unofficial Guide to Mediocre Sex
Stop frequently, especially right before partner climaxes
This is one of the most important things you can do. If you can get your partner to orgasm (this mainly applies to men as women simply have to be present) then you’re doing something right, perhaps too right. When you sense the moment approaching, go completely limp (muscle-wise). Pretend to sleep, fake being a narcoleptic, pretend you heard something, do whatever. The point is to frustrate your significant other without them suspecting you of foul play. Regardless of how fun it might seem at the time, do not fake a seizure as it might be counterproductive and raise prodding questions about your health.
Cry For An Uncomfortable Amount of Time Afterward
Fairly straight forward. After making love sob uncontrollably for at least 5-10 minutes. Don’t make it too long though, you want to make them remember it but not be completely alienated by your crymax. To further remind them of your last cry session, keep a box of tissue paper directly next to the condoms.
Try to Hold a Normal Conversion
So how was your day? Is your boss still being an asshole? What do you want to do for dinner tonight?
Ask a lot of these questions. If they respond normally then thumbs up to you. Most likely you’ll get shushed. Wait a few minutes before asking another.
Say the Wrong Name (careful!)
This is DANGEROUS but perhaps one of the most effective way to spoil a mood. The secret is you don’t use an actual name of a person. Some good choices for things to yell out are “Mom”, “Boss”, and “Good Dog.” Albeit the dog comment might be offensive, the point is to make it more disturbing than hostile.
Hope you’ve learned something. If you get caught, try to turn the blame on them somehow. Or, if all else fails, terrorists.
New! Your ideas!
To get one of your ideas on here leave a comment and if it’s awesomely mediocre I’ll add it.
RMK’s False Promises
I have a move you may wish to try. About four minutes into intercourse say “baby you feel so good, i want to finish then do it again” when she agrees (or if she takes too long confirming) go ahead and climax then suggest she clean up a bit and prep for round two. when she walks back in the room, have the tv already on the military channel and ask her if she wants a sandwich because you’re about to make one.
for bonus points, then convince her to make the sandwiches.
Hanes’s “Just Wait Till We Get Our Hanes on You” ads
Of all the glory the internots has documented, I could not find a picture of this pseudo-threatening phrase anywhere. For those of us that remember the cute little tune and smiling faces dancing around in their underwear, I urge you to stop and think of what exactly this slogan entails.
Also, if you come across a shot of this or the commercials or even the little song, please contact me at vershun@gmail.com and you will be well rewarded with textual relations with yours truly.
Edit: My lovely (and deadly) girlfriend Haley found this commercial which whistles the tune at the end and shows the slogan. She’ll be receiving all my relations (you can watch for a small fee (don’t tell her) ).
Edit x 2: This one (sent to me from my ladyfriend Lauri) has the song too):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0ecb9yYkcc
OK so this is a giveaway; Hell he was marketed to be creepy. But having a dude wake up to the King in his bed staring at him has gone far past the boundaries of good taste.
It is however, much better than the defunct ad campaign put on by Dairy Queen and Princess Cruises (images coming soon if I feel like it, if not then this isn’t very funny and you’re wasting your time reading this. ^5 (high five) ).
Chuck Norris and the Total Gym
Chuck Norris’ decision to endorse this workout equipment might have been great for the Total Gym, but it has put us night-owl infomercial watchers in an uncomfortable position. This 30 minute segment comes on at about 2 AM here, or in my time between the bag of Doritos and the quart of ice cream. We like to watch things like a knife cutting through a brick, a blender that can make a soda can smoothie, or, if it has to be about exercise, preferably a device that electrocutes our muscles into shape while we continue to lethargically lay on the couch. When Chuck Norris comes on though, we have no choice but to stupidly watch and want whatever he’s selling. You can’t change the channel, of course, since I read on the internet he can see you and will probably break things of yours that you might want later (e.g. your face).
There are a few important facts to know before you submit to Chuck’s awesomeness and buy a Total Gym.
- You’re just pulling yourself up on a slant. This is basically like doing pullups on the moon. Yes it might work for Chuck Norris, but he weighs like… infinity.
- That money could go other places. Remember that dream you had when you were 26 about moving out of your parents basement? Keep the dream alive.
- Put the bag of chips on the ground, close your eyes, and imagine yourself actually working out. You’ll either be disgusted or be asleep, either way you win.
Puff Daddy’s “Vote or Die” Campaign
Besides being blatantly over-the-top on this, the scariest part was that it was endorsed by Puff Daddy. His people have guns and stuff. And they kill people all the time. Actually his kind commit more crimes than any other group of people.
I’m talking about music producers you racist assholes (statistics may be completely made up).
By far the scariest part was that he was completely correct:
I did think the nuclear bomb going off in the background was a bit much, but Green Peace (from which this image was taken) has been known to have rational and conservative views so I’m going to roll with it
The Snuggles Bear
Dear. Christ
Snuggles managed to do what all the Child’s Play movies, R.L. Stine’s Night of the Living Dummy (that’s right people, a Goosebumps throwback), and the end of Screamers tried to do but failed. Give a kid’s toy life and make it terrifying. The last thing I ever want to think about is a teddy bear rolling around in my laundry giggling like a demented school girl.
Dolls aren’t scary, ventriloquist dummies aren’t scary, and moving teddy bears aren’t scary. You want to know what’s scary? The fucking Snuggles Bear.
As I did the usual “how I’d survive a worldwide zombie attack” daydream while I was driving to the school my sister teaches at (see A Toilet Fit for a Fetus), I found myself wondering if perhaps all the awesome zombie flicks I have seen has made me a little too overzealous at the notion of a zombie attack. What if the creature scratching at my door is just an old lady looking for cooking supplies? What if my roommate staggering toward me in the hallway just has a bad flu and redeye? Should I grab Emergen-C or my shotty?
It is for this reason I did a little research and came up with
The Short Guide to Identifying a Zombie
Are they ghastly pale because they’re Canadian or because they’re a corpse?
This is important in that it’ll be the first thing you notice. From reviewing a lot of zombie movies and Canadian movies, you have two routes you can take.
- Get a closer look. Canadians are a bit more of a whiter pale than zombies. My educated guess is this is so they can camouflage with the snow better to catch their pet moose that they use to build igloos.
- Ask them about their income tax percentage. Anything less than 15% means they’re not Canadian. Shoot them. Anything more than 30% means they’re not Canadian, and probably a communist. Shoot them.
Dealing with the Ill
Some illnesses cause remarkably zombie-like symptoms. This is a potentially serious problem since some illnesses tend to spread quickly in relatively small geographic areas. If you go to the grocery store and see the walking dead everywhere you might be inclined to grab that board and nails you keep stashed in your trunk. But before you start whacking heads like they’re six foot t-ball stands, assess the situation.
The most important thing to notice if you’re in a store is where the masses are crowding around. If they’re in the meats section, go get that board. If they’re in the pharmacy section, go pick up something yourself cause you’re probably going to get pretty sick soon (you might consider buying a t-shirt that says “I’m not a zombie” on it to help other potential zombie-slayers).
If you are not in a grocery store, get close enough to check their eyes. Zombies tend to have very-glazed over eyes to the point where you can’t even see their pupils. If you can’t see their pupils they are a zombie or some emo-fad kid wearing weird contact lenses. Either way, we’re all better off if you assume zombie.
Dealing with the Elderly
Dealing with old people presents it’s own problems. Modern medicine, while often a great thing to have, also keeps people alive well past their expiration date. Like the walking dead, who are decaying while feeding, the elderly are decaying while slowly and erratically driving in both lanes with their left-turn signal perpetually on. Although incredibly annoying to those that didn’t know Lincoln in person, we can use this to our advantage.
The diagnosis is simple: if they’re decaying, not driving, not using a walker, and not going to or from a Buick, they are zombies. Shoot them.
Other Tips
Blood splatters on mouth/chest area is a pretty good indication that you should be reaching for the crowbar. Please note this advice does not apply to people in the medical field.
Be 100% sure they’re the undead before zombie-mauling. Most judges don’t share our enthusiasm for extinguishing “potentials”.
Better not to do anything at all on Halloween.
Today I had the pleasure of watching a dance and musical “performance” put on by a bunch of screaming first graders (my sister is their teacher). While truly unremarkable in every way you can imagine, albeit the end song was pretty cool, the experience ended on an incredible note.
After the show, fairly distraught and hoping I was infertile, I had the pleasure of using the elementary school’s facilities. Now I’m aware that children are relatively small compared to real people, but the toilets in this bathroom astounded and amazed me.
They were a foot tall and the bowls were so tiny there was less of a chance of you falling into the toilet than the toilet falling into you. I snapped a quick picture with my phone to document this awesomeness.
Now I’ve had 22 years of experience in urinating. I’m pretty damn good at it, and that’s me being modest. But try pissing into a toilet made for a Barbie Playhouse while convulsing in laughter. Point is I defiled that sad little toilet and tomorrow some munchkin is going to pay.
Now I had it out with my roommate about this. He thinks that is a good size for kindergartners and I was overreacting. So after scouring the internet, I found that the average height of a kindergartner is 43 inches and from the base of the foot to the back of the knee is about 1/3 of your body length. Since we all know the best angle for pooping is 90 degrees ( that’s pi/2 radians for the socially inept math nerds), the height of the toilet should be = height/3. So using our average height, we get that their kneecaps should be around 14.33 inches, making the toilet 2 1/3 inches too low for your run-of-the-mill kiddo.
Granted that isn’t too bad (20% away from the optimal pooping position), but the point is it’s still a really small fucking toilet.
In the coming fall sure to be filled with dangerous tropical storms and hurricanes, the need for a personal rescue device has never been more important.
By using technologies already available and by harnessing the energy of the the storm itself, we’ve developed the following prototype:
Good news! We are now accepting applications for both investors and testers.
K just follow me for a second:
If cigs contain chemicals that kill living tissue, and lung cancer is a living tissue that resides in the lungs, then the logical step to killing lung cancer would be to smoke more cigarettes.
Dramatization:
While this is only a rough depiction (no one really knows what goes on “in there”), the cancer is obviously worried (signified by “OH NOS!”) and thereby solidifies this method as a viable treatment.