Busted.

I’m all cracked out on Red Bulls and cigs (I’ve barely had any caffeine or nicotine for the past couple weeks and about a half pack + 3 redbulls tonight).

So I go outside for a smoke and I see a big rodent creature crossing the street. I was excited because I saw my first opossum recently up here so I sneakily follow it and it turns out it’s just a stupid fucking racoon.

I get up real close to the fucker and he stands up and looks at me like WTF U GUNNA DO?! This puts my shaky ass in a rage and I chase the fucker up a tree yelling “BACKACKAKCKAXKCCKCAKCKA.”

Anyway it turns out about 10 yards away a guy was smoking and he was just staring at me with his eyes wide and jaw dropped. I walk off muttering to myself and tapping my thigh like a crazy person.

Later, I went to take a piss and noticed 2 hideous and large growths on my penis. Terrifying.  Luckily they were just breadcrumbs. I’m wearing pants when I eat PBJ from now on.