So, you want to have mediocre sex. Of the plethora reasons you could want to enter the world of sexual mediocrity, you’re most likely here for one of following three reasons:

1. You are so gifted at sex you’re sick of your sexual partner wanting it all the time and therefore believe that by becoming worse at it you’ll be able to curb their enthusiasm.
2. You aren’t so fantastic in the sack and being a run-of-the-mill lay is a step, if not a leap, in the right direction.
3. You’re already mediocre at fornication and want to enforce your techniques.

Since you’re sitting there reading a web blog, and my web blog especially, I’ll go ahead and assume you’re of the #2 persuasion.

So without further adieu I bring you:

The Unofficial Guide to Mediocre Sex

Stop frequently, especially right before partner climaxes

This is one of the most important things you can do. If you can get your partner to orgasm (this mainly applies to men as women simply have to be present) then you’re doing something right, perhaps too right. When you sense the moment approaching, go completely limp (muscle-wise). Pretend to sleep, fake being a narcoleptic, pretend you heard something, do whatever. The point is to frustrate your significant other without them suspecting you of foul play. Regardless of how fun it might seem at the time, do not fake a seizure as it might be counterproductive and raise prodding questions about your health.

Cry For An Uncomfortable Amount of Time Afterward

Fairly straight forward. After making love sob uncontrollably for at least 5-10 minutes. Don’t make it too long though, you want to make them remember it but not be completely alienated by your crymax. To further remind them of your last cry session, keep a box of tissue paper directly next to the condoms.

Try to Hold a Normal Conversion

So how was your day? Is your boss still being an asshole? What do you want to do for dinner tonight?

Ask a lot of these questions. If they respond normally then thumbs up to you. Most likely you’ll get shushed. Wait a few minutes before asking another.

Say the Wrong Name (careful!)

This is DANGEROUS but perhaps one of the most effective way to spoil a mood. The secret is you don’t use an actual name of a person. Some good choices for things to yell out are “Mom”, “Boss”, and “Good Dog.” Albeit the dog comment might be offensive, the point is to make it more disturbing than hostile.

Hope you’ve learned something. If you get caught, try to turn the blame on them somehow. Or, if all else fails, terrorists.

New! Your ideas!

To get one of your ideas on here leave a comment and if it’s awesomely mediocre I’ll add it.

RMK’s False Promises

I have a move you may wish to try. About four minutes into intercourse say “baby you feel so good, i want to finish then do it again” when she agrees (or if she takes too long confirming) go ahead and climax then suggest she clean up a bit and prep for round two. when she walks back in the room, have the tv already on the military channel and ask her if she wants a sandwich because you’re about to make one.

for bonus points, then convince her to make the sandwiches.