Vershun’s Brain Dump

It has been about ten days since I’ve last had a cigarette. I feel like cutting a kitten and chasing it around until it bleeds to death.

That’s besides the point though.

The point of this post is to proclaim my love for cigarettes, cigars, and everything smoking. I believe that making light of my urges will help me to not go back to smoking, as I’ve heard on numerous occasions that it is “bad for you” and can result in “a slow and painful death.” After watching the movie, “Good Luck Chuck,” I can imagine what a slow and painful death is like and I’d like to avoid it at all costs.

Thoughts on Smoking

Smoking is a Passive Aerobic Excersize

This one I have been preaching for years and if you’ve been unfortunate to be around me while I drunkenly preached from my pedestal you’ve definitely heard this one. Smoking increases your heart rate and metabolism. This helps you stay lean and promotes a healthy heart. I read this in Marlboro Magazine guys; you can’t make this stuff up.

“Flavor Country” Might End Up Killing You

But if we’ve learned anything from the plethora of self-help books, life is about the journey, not the destination. So stop looking at the end and start enjoying the view. Stop to smell the roses. Take that nice, long drag from your little stick-of-calm and let your worries float away like the river of smoke you exhale. You know who else lived for the journey and died horribly? Jesus did. Think about that.

Customer Satisfaction Rate

If there’s one thing that really can’t be argued about smoking it’s that people love that shit. I think everyone can appreciate the amount of return business cigarettes get. They all taste exactly the same, they only last five minutes or so, and they make you pretty nasty smelling but people still buy them up like they’re canned food in the year 1999 (y2k throwback ^5). Somehow tobacco companies have found a way to grow pure joy, pack it into little happysticks, and distribute it to the world. Do I hear the words, “Nobel Peace Prize?” Maybe I should.

Banning Smoking from Bars is Organ Discrimination and I Will Not Stand for it

This is also one of my more popular rants. Within the last couple years Colorado has banned smoking from almost all enclosed public spaces. The law has all but torn apart the most sacred of relationships: alcohol and cigarettes. What’s worse is that the law is promoting organ discrimination. Bars serve copious amounts of alcohol every night. Alcohol kills brain cells and destroys livers. If we can destroy our brains and livers, why can’t we destroy our lungs too? What is so much better about your lungs than your brain and liver that makes its destruction politically unbearable? It’s favoritism. It’s choosing one thing over the other based on nothing but biases. It’s discrimination.

We need the brain, the lungs, and our liver to stay alive. They are all of equal importance to our survival. Should we separate them out just by physical location? Have different laws apply to separate organs in our body even though they’re all equal?

I beg you to consider: haven’t we seen this before?

That’s correct. The laws banning smoking from bars is racist.

Love Letters

Dear Cigarettes,

     I miss you.  I love you.  I don't go a day without thinking what it was like to have you inside of me.

     No homo.

Love,
   Versh

Well that’s about it, I hope you’ve gotten something out of all this (lord knows I have, I’ve postponed doing shitastic CSS for a good hour).