As I did the usual “how I’d survive a worldwide zombie attack” daydream while I was driving to the school my sister teaches at (see A Toilet Fit for a Fetus), I found myself wondering if perhaps all the awesome zombie flicks I have seen has made me a little too overzealous at the notion of a zombie attack. What if the creature scratching at my door is just an old lady looking for cooking supplies? What if my roommate staggering toward me in the hallway just has a bad flu and redeye? Should I grab Emergen-C or my shotty?

It is for this reason I did a little research and came up with

The Short Guide to Identifying a Zombie

Are they ghastly pale because they’re Canadian or because they’re a corpse?

This is important in that it’ll be the first thing you notice. From reviewing a lot of zombie movies and Canadian movies, you have two routes you can take.

1. Get a closer look. Canadians are a bit more of a whiter pale than zombies. My educated guess is this is so they can camouflage with the snow better to catch their pet moose that they use to build igloos.
2. Ask them about their income tax percentage. Anything less than 15% means they’re not Canadian. Shoot them. Anything more than 30% means they’re not Canadian, and probably a communist. Shoot them.

Dealing with the Ill

Some illnesses cause remarkably zombie-like symptoms. This is a potentially serious problem since some illnesses tend to spread quickly in relatively small geographic areas. If you go to the grocery store and see the walking dead everywhere you might be inclined to grab that board and nails you keep stashed in your trunk. But before you start whacking heads like they’re six foot t-ball stands, assess the situation.

The most important thing to notice if you’re in a store is where the masses are crowding around. If they’re in the meats section, go get that board. If they’re in the pharmacy section, go pick up something yourself cause you’re probably going to get pretty sick soon (you might consider buying a t-shirt that says “I’m not a zombie” on it to help other potential zombie-slayers).

If you are not in a grocery store, get close enough to check their eyes. Zombies tend to have very-glazed over eyes to the point where you can’t even see their pupils. If you can’t see their pupils they are a zombie or some emo-fad kid wearing weird contact lenses. Either way, we’re all better off if you assume zombie.

Dealing with the Elderly

Dealing with old people presents it’s own problems. Modern medicine, while often a great thing to have, also keeps people alive well past their expiration date. Like the walking dead, who are decaying while feeding, the elderly are decaying while slowly and erratically driving in both lanes with their left-turn signal perpetually on. Although incredibly annoying to those that didn’t know Lincoln in person, we can use this to our advantage.

The diagnosis is simple: if they’re decaying, not driving, not using a walker, and not going to or from a Buick, they are zombies. Shoot them.

Other Tips

Blood splatters on mouth/chest area is a pretty good indication that you should be reaching for the crowbar. Please note this advice does not apply to people in the medical field.

Be 100% sure they’re the undead before zombie-mauling. Most judges don’t share our enthusiasm for extinguishing “potentials”.

Better not to do anything at all on Halloween.